'Nick Swardson's Pretend Time' Review

Benny Gammerman here, watching all the bad sh*t so you don't have to. What's on the slab tonight? That'll be the DOA Nick Swardson's Pretend Time, "fresh" off its Comedy Central premiere. Previously, I was under the impression that I quite liked Mr. Swardson. He left an indelible impression on me at an early age with his "Gay Robot" sketch on the Adam Sandler album "Shh...Don't Tell." He's pretty dang funny as Terry Bernardino on Reno 911!. And then there are his numerous screenwriting credits: Malibu's Most Wanted, Grandma's Boy, and The Benchwarmers... while outright winners they ain't, dude at least has some willing high-profile collaborators.

So why then are all the commercials for Nick Swardson's Pretend Time positively stomach-churning and nightmare-inducing? Unfortunately, because the show follows suit. There is nary a laugh to be found in this "sketch" show, but I'll tell you what there is...

1. A man trying to propose to his girlfriend at a hockey game, only to be bludgeoned by an endless stream of merciless renegade hockey pucks.

2. A car that runs on urine.

3. A crude-talking cat in a wheelchair.

4. A donkey spraying quart after quart of ejaculate against a window.

5. A penis in a jar of piranhas.

6. Nick Swardson's big fat face.

7. and Ryan Phillipe. Really.

To be clear, I have nothing against crass, infantile humor... as long as it's actually funny. When the best part of your pilot is a four second "In Memoriam" of Greg Giraldo, you know you f*cked up.

Sum...ology: A complete waste of time, money, and what was thought to have been talent.